Thank you for trusting me to share this with my students, I did this today, they were moved by your experience but also how you write about it. They wanted to say thank you in this very small way.
Four group student reflections from (Southern Cross Education Institution):
The story is so well written, I feel like I am there with him, I am moved by his explanations of his experience. We did not realize it holds so much pain. It keeps the reader interested and eager to know more. So sorry for the experience. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Your story inspires us and everyone reading it today, that negative impact or trauma does not stop your life. You have realised you need to keep going by accepting the challenges to make reclaim your identity. We are so grateful to read it and discuss in class.
Your experiences and reflections meant a lot to us and to understand intersectionality in masculinity. Its eye opening, how living in the same society, we go through different yet similar experiences in life. We feel the need to question ourselves, our worth, our capability based on what others think or say about us, feel like being cornered into feeling like there is no one therefore for us. Some people try to give up on themselves; some learn from the experience and change their whole perspective of the world and improve and adapt. I hope you are doing well now. I hope you know you are worth it there is nothing wrong with you. I hope we call all make a difference in our society so that later generations wouldn't be questioning themselves and men in particular can express themselves well rather than suppressing everything, feeling afraid of being judged, this is so lonely and isolating. We (men) need to talk about this and challenge dominent society.
Your story is very inspiring and moved us, it's so well written. I know, that the society we live in men experiment alot of pressure and expect to be strong and confident, which means men should not cry, hide their emotions and cannot go through mental health problems. But you fight against that all, you overcame your trauma and you didn't let your identity be defined by others. I admire your bravery and grateful for a males view.
Please send my thanks and gratitude to all - and let them know I appreciate their comments. If they ever wish to ask any questions or would like me to try and help by writing an article of a subject or issue form a personal POV please let me know. Thank you 🙏
Aaawee I will absolutely will pass that on, Iam glad these were received well, I have shared your Substack too. That's so generous mate, I will look at what you have already written and chat with them👌🏼🙏🏼
This is so beautifully written. There were so many poignant moments, but the reminder that the real us can still be there, even after life buries us under so much, is something I really needed to read today. Thank you for sharing this. 🤍
Pain is often treated as more credible when it consumes the entire personality. If the wounded person laughs too loudly, loves their memories, or refuses to remain solemn, people begin questioning whether the darkness was ever as deep as they described.
What feels powerful here is your refusal to make joy testify against suffering. The boy with the knife, the teenager living inside panic, and the man making everyone laugh do not cancel one another out. Trauma may have written heavily across your life, but it does not get to sign your name. You do.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and commenting in such detail. And it’s such an important thing for me to try to convey because so many stories or account relay all the darkness (and I’m not saying this is not someone’s experience of things) it’s important to know that behind everything is a person and a personality 🙏
Exactly. Pain deserves to be taken seriously without being allowed to become the only biography a person is permitted to have. I’m glad you wrote the personality back into the story—the laughter, memories, and ordinary aliveness that suffering so often edits out. Thank you for trusting readers with the whole person. 🤍
‘I was there first’ (autocorrected to fiesta but ok)
I loved this because, for one.. whatever you endured when you were younger (and still do) wasn’t and isn’t the whole story and there aren’t enough people who speak about that.
About all the things that lived amongst all the shit. Coexisting at the same time. It was beautiful to read and it’s a beautiful way to see the world 🫶
Do I find it amazing that you are the person you are, with the (and don’t get excited) shit hot humour that you do have now.. of course. But like you say, all of these things make up who you are. You get to have lived a life and not have sadness be the only thing you found in it. You get to have walked that shit and still be the one to make everyone laugh. That’s what living’s all about surely?! All of it.
I’m rambling. I don’t even know what my point was but basically, I loved it. I’m glad you shared it and you don’t have to live in sadness because you’ve experienced it. You the best 👊
I enjoy your articles. I use the word masking, but that’s cos it’s the word other people relate to. But I feel encouraged to stretch my imagination and use words that feel right to me
The use of the language is in no way criticism. If I’m honest I’m not sure what it means but that’s my point. It doesn’t make me right or someone else wrong. It means something to them. Recently someone commented to me about “cleaning mirrors” - think that’s what it was - apparently that’s something people say - I don’t know what it means. Other than I hate mirrors and I’m really shit at cleaning them and they always look really streaky afterwards 🤣🤣
Also forgot to say that as I have psychological amnesia, 5 years ago my memories started coming back - it was frightening and very confronting. Over 4 years I wrote out my memories from childhood to present. It was incredible to piece together my life, where it went wrong, and where it went right.
My mum is my carer, however she has also chosen not to read my memories as they will be too confronting and triggering for her (also, she doesn’t know what to believe about my memories, because, how could any of it be true if she didn’t know it was happening?)
I’ve given my memories to a number of safe people, and as far as I’m aware, no one has finished it. I think it’s too depressing for them. My counsellor read it when it was half finished and it changed the direction of her approach because she saw the vastness of my trauma, which is a good thing.
Just wanted to share that I too have written somewhat of a memoir, and it’s an odd feeling when people don’t finish it 😅
Being funny is kind of the by product of trauma. On a surface level you see it with doctors, ambulance drivers or people in profession that can be sometimes unbearable. Besides that, with my own trauma, I notice absurd things and find it funny that we do the "tap tap" of tongs when we pick them up and why people have to bang the pedestrian button.
I had to be observant on on guard since I was a little girl so calling out the absurdities has been part of my humour, and dealing with what I have my humour is dark. Its a coping strategy. It's also a survival one.
I won't speak on your behalf, but that's what makes people laugh with me, even if I'm hurting. While the darkness is suffocating, the light can diffuse it slightly. Because I'm not defined by what's happened, I've been shaped. And the hope for me is that I can re mould a new identity when I want, and maybe I've had a lifelong pattern of doing that to either run from, or run towards myself. This is probably the most exaggerated way of saying I somewhat identify with your words.
I think that you’re probably right but I don’t know whether it’s something inherent or whether it was a product of it. I know even before the biggest trauma in childhood at 9 I had quite a clear personality but was that shaped by years before.
And I don’t really know if I would say it’s been a coping mechanism to survive but it’s certainly the only reason I’m probably here today. So I don’t know how to explain what that is - the chicken and the egg I guess.
I know for most people it’s not something easily explained. I mean - anyone living my life since I joined Substack a year 16 months would see a lot of darkness - and not a great deal of people could function this way and I’m pretty sure if people knew who the clown was behind the cat (clever - no one will work out what that means if they read this) they’d not believe it.
So I don’t know where it came from, why, how or who - I just know it’s who I am in the same way everything else is.
You make me smile. Your sharing of your abusive childhood ~ and yet ~ you maintained your own generous ability "to self".
To give your young self the innocence of that freedom with your friends. Knowing inside there is that "opposite" as well. To turn over that record and play the songs on the otherside of the album. Those songs, that are also you. Thank you for this.
It’s a myriad of contradictions right.. I guess if it wasn’t it and everything was very neat and tidy then it wouldn’t be my real life story because it was messy, confusing and contradictory.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting always. I appreciate you 💕
This is me. I felt every single part of this. Slight changes. I wasn’t abused, but as a child in an adult hospital, I wasn’t treated like a child. For a kidney biopsy, the doctor didn’t think to give me any drugs while they jammed a giant needle in my side to grab a piece of my kidney. No other patients got drugs, why should an 11-year-old. My entire childhood, I stayed in hospitals by myself. Parents weren’t allowed to stay with me. I was so used to noise and light while in bed, I couldn’t sleep in the dark until I was 15. Not because I was scared, but I was used to light and noise.
I was sick a lot growing up, but I remember all the fun times. Riding my bike across town, playing sports, playing with my friends. Sure, I remember the hospital visits too, but only in the positive ways. The kind nurses. The way I was treated because I was so young in an adult hospital. Getting better and stronger after my first transplant (after they almost killed me by overloading me with fluids in the surgery).
Living lives like we have, as different as they were, we both understand how attitude and humor can help us heal. I’ve made fun of myself so many times before someone says something, so they can see how I see life and see myself. It breaks the ice. I know I look different, so I want people to be comfortable.
Your writing shows exactly who you are. Your funny. You don’t mess around. You’re interesting. You are helping a lot of people with your writing. Keep it up!
This is such a beautiful reply dude. And I’m so happy that this was you too - the circumstances were different but the realities of our personalities and how we interacted, had fun and tried to laugh our way through is the same. I appreciate your words so much because you’re a true warrior and that means a lot. Sorry my responses lately aren’t where they should be but I hope you know I reallt appreciate it 💕
This was such a great read. I agree. You were all behind the personality and the diagnosis. A lot of people look at the diagnosis and not the person. The person is still a person.
"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."--Albert Camus
Great quote. Thank you Andrew.
Thank you for trusting me to share this with my students, I did this today, they were moved by your experience but also how you write about it. They wanted to say thank you in this very small way.
Four group student reflections from (Southern Cross Education Institution):
The story is so well written, I feel like I am there with him, I am moved by his explanations of his experience. We did not realize it holds so much pain. It keeps the reader interested and eager to know more. So sorry for the experience. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Your story inspires us and everyone reading it today, that negative impact or trauma does not stop your life. You have realised you need to keep going by accepting the challenges to make reclaim your identity. We are so grateful to read it and discuss in class.
Your experiences and reflections meant a lot to us and to understand intersectionality in masculinity. Its eye opening, how living in the same society, we go through different yet similar experiences in life. We feel the need to question ourselves, our worth, our capability based on what others think or say about us, feel like being cornered into feeling like there is no one therefore for us. Some people try to give up on themselves; some learn from the experience and change their whole perspective of the world and improve and adapt. I hope you are doing well now. I hope you know you are worth it there is nothing wrong with you. I hope we call all make a difference in our society so that later generations wouldn't be questioning themselves and men in particular can express themselves well rather than suppressing everything, feeling afraid of being judged, this is so lonely and isolating. We (men) need to talk about this and challenge dominent society.
Your story is very inspiring and moved us, it's so well written. I know, that the society we live in men experiment alot of pressure and expect to be strong and confident, which means men should not cry, hide their emotions and cannot go through mental health problems. But you fight against that all, you overcame your trauma and you didn't let your identity be defined by others. I admire your bravery and grateful for a males view.
Please send my thanks and gratitude to all - and let them know I appreciate their comments. If they ever wish to ask any questions or would like me to try and help by writing an article of a subject or issue form a personal POV please let me know. Thank you 🙏
Aaawee I will absolutely will pass that on, Iam glad these were received well, I have shared your Substack too. That's so generous mate, I will look at what you have already written and chat with them👌🏼🙏🏼
This is so beautifully written. There were so many poignant moments, but the reminder that the real us can still be there, even after life buries us under so much, is something I really needed to read today. Thank you for sharing this. 🤍
Thank you for reading Sophie and your kind words. I’m glad this one was helpful today 🙏
Pain is often treated as more credible when it consumes the entire personality. If the wounded person laughs too loudly, loves their memories, or refuses to remain solemn, people begin questioning whether the darkness was ever as deep as they described.
What feels powerful here is your refusal to make joy testify against suffering. The boy with the knife, the teenager living inside panic, and the man making everyone laugh do not cancel one another out. Trauma may have written heavily across your life, but it does not get to sign your name. You do.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and commenting in such detail. And it’s such an important thing for me to try to convey because so many stories or account relay all the darkness (and I’m not saying this is not someone’s experience of things) it’s important to know that behind everything is a person and a personality 🙏
Exactly. Pain deserves to be taken seriously without being allowed to become the only biography a person is permitted to have. I’m glad you wrote the personality back into the story—the laughter, memories, and ordinary aliveness that suffering so often edits out. Thank you for trusting readers with the whole person. 🤍
Thank you so much.
‘I was there first’ (autocorrected to fiesta but ok)
I loved this because, for one.. whatever you endured when you were younger (and still do) wasn’t and isn’t the whole story and there aren’t enough people who speak about that.
About all the things that lived amongst all the shit. Coexisting at the same time. It was beautiful to read and it’s a beautiful way to see the world 🫶
Do I find it amazing that you are the person you are, with the (and don’t get excited) shit hot humour that you do have now.. of course. But like you say, all of these things make up who you are. You get to have lived a life and not have sadness be the only thing you found in it. You get to have walked that shit and still be the one to make everyone laugh. That’s what living’s all about surely?! All of it.
I’m rambling. I don’t even know what my point was but basically, I loved it. I’m glad you shared it and you don’t have to live in sadness because you’ve experienced it. You the best 👊
❤️❤️🫶🫶
I love this for you so much... at the end the words... 'I. define. me.' these are so powerful!
When we define who we are then we regain power and control over our life.
I am teaching gender-based violence class...atm. I would like to qoate you if that's okay and share a section of your article with my students.
My male students find it helpful.
Let me know your thoughts and how best to reference your work.
Sure. However is best for you. I don’t mind whatever it is.
Thank you! What ‘nickname' can I give you? - we like to name people, I will let them know it's not your real name.
Whatever works best for the students.
🙏🏼
Wonderful! I often feel the same way. People tend to think my life is relatively easy because I’m full of joy and enjoy encouraging people.
It’s not until I begin to open up about my invisible disabilities that people question how am I like I am.
It was great to read the words for how I feel!
Thank you very much. I'm glad you can see who you are in this too.
I enjoy your articles. I use the word masking, but that’s cos it’s the word other people relate to. But I feel encouraged to stretch my imagination and use words that feel right to me
The use of the language is in no way criticism. If I’m honest I’m not sure what it means but that’s my point. It doesn’t make me right or someone else wrong. It means something to them. Recently someone commented to me about “cleaning mirrors” - think that’s what it was - apparently that’s something people say - I don’t know what it means. Other than I hate mirrors and I’m really shit at cleaning them and they always look really streaky afterwards 🤣🤣
🤭
Also forgot to say that as I have psychological amnesia, 5 years ago my memories started coming back - it was frightening and very confronting. Over 4 years I wrote out my memories from childhood to present. It was incredible to piece together my life, where it went wrong, and where it went right.
My mum is my carer, however she has also chosen not to read my memories as they will be too confronting and triggering for her (also, she doesn’t know what to believe about my memories, because, how could any of it be true if she didn’t know it was happening?)
I’ve given my memories to a number of safe people, and as far as I’m aware, no one has finished it. I think it’s too depressing for them. My counsellor read it when it was half finished and it changed the direction of her approach because she saw the vastness of my trauma, which is a good thing.
Just wanted to share that I too have written somewhat of a memoir, and it’s an odd feeling when people don’t finish it 😅
Fantastic article
❤️
I might come in here sideways.
Being funny is kind of the by product of trauma. On a surface level you see it with doctors, ambulance drivers or people in profession that can be sometimes unbearable. Besides that, with my own trauma, I notice absurd things and find it funny that we do the "tap tap" of tongs when we pick them up and why people have to bang the pedestrian button.
I had to be observant on on guard since I was a little girl so calling out the absurdities has been part of my humour, and dealing with what I have my humour is dark. Its a coping strategy. It's also a survival one.
I won't speak on your behalf, but that's what makes people laugh with me, even if I'm hurting. While the darkness is suffocating, the light can diffuse it slightly. Because I'm not defined by what's happened, I've been shaped. And the hope for me is that I can re mould a new identity when I want, and maybe I've had a lifelong pattern of doing that to either run from, or run towards myself. This is probably the most exaggerated way of saying I somewhat identify with your words.
Because they are brilliant 🧡💗🧡
Oh and I didn’t say - thank you so much for reading and these comments - it’s means a lot to me 💕🚀
I think that you’re probably right but I don’t know whether it’s something inherent or whether it was a product of it. I know even before the biggest trauma in childhood at 9 I had quite a clear personality but was that shaped by years before.
And I don’t really know if I would say it’s been a coping mechanism to survive but it’s certainly the only reason I’m probably here today. So I don’t know how to explain what that is - the chicken and the egg I guess.
I know for most people it’s not something easily explained. I mean - anyone living my life since I joined Substack a year 16 months would see a lot of darkness - and not a great deal of people could function this way and I’m pretty sure if people knew who the clown was behind the cat (clever - no one will work out what that means if they read this) they’d not believe it.
So I don’t know where it came from, why, how or who - I just know it’s who I am in the same way everything else is.
I hope that makes sense - I’m nor sure I am 🤣🤣
Yes!
🙏
You make me smile. Your sharing of your abusive childhood ~ and yet ~ you maintained your own generous ability "to self".
To give your young self the innocence of that freedom with your friends. Knowing inside there is that "opposite" as well. To turn over that record and play the songs on the otherside of the album. Those songs, that are also you. Thank you for this.
It’s a myriad of contradictions right.. I guess if it wasn’t it and everything was very neat and tidy then it wouldn’t be my real life story because it was messy, confusing and contradictory.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting always. I appreciate you 💕
This is me. I felt every single part of this. Slight changes. I wasn’t abused, but as a child in an adult hospital, I wasn’t treated like a child. For a kidney biopsy, the doctor didn’t think to give me any drugs while they jammed a giant needle in my side to grab a piece of my kidney. No other patients got drugs, why should an 11-year-old. My entire childhood, I stayed in hospitals by myself. Parents weren’t allowed to stay with me. I was so used to noise and light while in bed, I couldn’t sleep in the dark until I was 15. Not because I was scared, but I was used to light and noise.
I was sick a lot growing up, but I remember all the fun times. Riding my bike across town, playing sports, playing with my friends. Sure, I remember the hospital visits too, but only in the positive ways. The kind nurses. The way I was treated because I was so young in an adult hospital. Getting better and stronger after my first transplant (after they almost killed me by overloading me with fluids in the surgery).
Living lives like we have, as different as they were, we both understand how attitude and humor can help us heal. I’ve made fun of myself so many times before someone says something, so they can see how I see life and see myself. It breaks the ice. I know I look different, so I want people to be comfortable.
Your writing shows exactly who you are. Your funny. You don’t mess around. You’re interesting. You are helping a lot of people with your writing. Keep it up!
This is such a beautiful reply dude. And I’m so happy that this was you too - the circumstances were different but the realities of our personalities and how we interacted, had fun and tried to laugh our way through is the same. I appreciate your words so much because you’re a true warrior and that means a lot. Sorry my responses lately aren’t where they should be but I hope you know I reallt appreciate it 💕
I know you have a lot on your plate. I appreciate that comment!
You were there all along. Just buried. I love that. It’s so true.
Thank you for reading Michelle 🙏
🙏
This was such a great read. I agree. You were all behind the personality and the diagnosis. A lot of people look at the diagnosis and not the person. The person is still a person.
Thank you very much as always Christina. It’s means a lot 🫶💕