Addiction tears lives apart. Addicts find ways to justify their behaviors. It’s inherent. What seems a miracle to me is that you found the moral imperative to walk away from Steve. Kudos for never losing sight of that. It’s unheard of with the many addicts I’ve known. Lived with.
Ironically, I went to school with a Steve who became a quadriplegic cliff jumping here in California.
Thank you. I am also interested in how you finally managed to put addiction behind you.
Forty-five days, handshakes at the door, three hours. I had that same feeling leaving hospital, convinced the treatment had finished the job. Everyone involved treats the discharge as the end of the story, including the person walking out of it.
Mate it was so embarrassing- well they didn’t know did they. I was hi-5’s, hugs, speeches 🫠 I left the hospital to walk to the nearest station and about 5 mins over a little hump bridge was a pub - and that was it - I’d quit for 45 days. There was no change at all. But I also have a lot of issues with the treatment but that’s for another day. I made it past the pub - onto the train and to show how deluded and dishonest I still was I told myself that it would be a “treat” for 45 days sober 😭🫠 so I made the call and meet him straight off the train. About 3 hrs 8 mins I think
An honest look. An honest telling and an honest care regarding Steve and your decision. It shares something inside of you that is separate. People are not their addiction. And that is their gift they get to open when they become restored. Thank you for sharing this.
the section with Steve was hard to read, honestly. you built the whole plan around the belief that being responsible for someone else would finally be enough to stop you, and then had to face that it wasn’t --that's harsh! Telling him the truth and leaving before something worse happened didn’t undo it, but it was honest. and shows a lot about you as a person. thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly <3
Addiction is priority. And maybe other ex addicts would say otherwise but in my opinion you’re incapable of caring for others (and I don’t mean just in a sense like here for Steve) I mean when it comes down to what truly caring or loving another person is you’ll always put them at risk or compromise for the addiction. I don’t think I’m explaining it every well. One of the things I say is addiction is the worst affair of all - it’s with you 24/7/365 and it’s everywhere you go. I wish this situation with Steve was the only time I could say that things like this happened but it’s just one of many during those years. Thanks for reading
we think you’re explaining it really well. It’s not like the person that’s addicted cannot love or never loved/care for anyone in their lives. But once they’re addicted to something, that addiction takes over everything else and becomes the first (and perhaps only) priority. For someone that never been an addict or doesn’t know these complex stories firsthand (like a family member) it can be difficult to understand because it just sounds selfish. Like that joke about being homeless: just be home more, right? Funny but not that much if we look at the individual. we can also look at the reasons someone can become like that, is it because of their brain(that’s naturally predisposed to become an addict) or the way our society runs (not having a sense of belonging, community being overlooked for productivity, etc)? we think it’s possibly a mixture of both cases. But it’s not a math equation where you know the answer after solving it. It’s not black and white.
Well, so this is a controversial one but in the throes of addiction - addicts are incapable of love. That’s my honest opinion. That doesn’t mean addicts can’t love. In addiction I don’t how they can. And I challenge that by asking you or anyone to pick the words that love means to you.
Respect, Honesty, Truth, Boundaries, Compromise, Emotional Connection, Safety - whatever words someone associates with it. And addiction is the exact of it.
Disrespectful, Dishonest, Distrust, No Boundaries, No Compromise, Unable to emotionally connect, Unsafe-Risky.
I’ve been kicked out of a few meetings for this - but I don’t understand it - maybe I’m totally wrong - but I can say I was incapable of any healthy relationship or any form of love. And to this day I don’t see how an addict can say they love someone (not saying they don’t believe that) I’m saying when its put up to scrutiny.
totally get what you’re saying. that’s what we meant with the addiction taking over. it’s hard for us (personally) to believe that an addict can’t love, possibly is easier to believe that they can love but the addiction comes first. we respect your opinion and we can see a lot of truth in it.
Totally understand that. 95% of people will tell you addicts can love. There is also quite a body of research into the opposite. It’s an opinion that is highly unpopular as I’m sure you can imagine. But I don’t see how in addiction you can love. You’re even capable of having a healthy relationship. I’ve never been in love so I guess it’s easy for me to say. But I do know the addict mindset having been on both sides of it. Victim and addict. All my views on addiction are unpopular (hence you I don’t write much on it 🫠🥲😂)
Thank you for sharing a cascade of events with you in the centre, it is absolutely horrifying, from the deception during drug screening, cocaine consumption, to the confusing eye candy detour, followed by blowing your payout! How you survived and recovered from this I have no idea, maybe it's the inner cat with 9 lives that has kept you alive or GRIT.
Then there is Steve, someone who saw you for you and accepted you, despite your recklessness he enjoyed your company, that is huge! I am very aware of the care he would have needed. The guilt, and shame you describe while caring for him, the risk taking and placing him at risk in so many ways, one would say the best thing for him is for you to leave, its a shame he wasn't given a choice, i didn't read anything about cognitive impairment, therefore, assumed capacity to make his own decisions about this care needs. He chose quality of life, your friendship over safety, he knew about your struggles, perhaps he saw himself in you, he sounded like he liked you.
Not sure if this was intended but to me it read as the disgust with yourself, feeling so flawed and inadequate made you leave or run again, that's a dark road. Holding both worlds the pain and joy isn't something everyone can do, but you can.
I can't help myself...but here is a phrase which makes absolutely no sense when translated in English, but it is meaningful if you google it.
As always, you write beautifully. The irony of a restless mind being able to focus so eloquently. I enjoy that you are able to convey the funny parts, because those are always there. There's always so much that comes to mind when I read your posts and trying not to make it about me. I can write my own post on whatever.
Addiction seems like such an animal and I have never experienced it. I have compassion and never felt judgement towards things people have done associated with it- or at least so far lol. I see the pattern of connecting and letting go as with Steve and I agree that was wise for his safety.
I'm wondering if you need to write more of the stories within in this before the harder chapter(s). Or maybe parts are just yours and not to share or only to a certain depth. 💕
🤣🤣🤣 Now you got me confused as to what a "gram" really is! How was I supposed to know there are different versions of gram in different drugging communities?! Lol. Also, how do you recognize a user as just a user and a user that's also a dealer? Asking for a friend.
Alex a gram of cocaine is a gram. I was at the stage of my addiction where I’d rather not say how many a day but that would have got me to about 9am. I called it a tickle because I generally wouldn’t have bothered buying anything less than a “Henry” (there you go that’s an actual thing you learn in the drug world 🤣) - so the name tickle is just something I called it not something other than that.
But for context a gram is a decent amount of cocaine if it’s actually high content. By 2010 the standard was pretty shit (maybe it’s better now - I doubt it) so if you got a g in South America for example it would probably blow your (my) brain.
I’ve not fact checked this but I bet the purity content when it even arrives in the UK is around 60%. So by the time it reaches people like me having been cut to shit along the way I reckon you’d be lucky for 35% and I mean lucky
9am?! But, I haven't even finished with tea yet at that time! Wth is a “Henry”??! I don't like that term, tickle is much cuter!🤭 35%? On a lucky day? (What's the rest of it made of?) Hhmmm, sounds like highway robbery to me. One more thing, don't they smuggle that sh*t in people's butts, though?
I started reading and I was at the part where you were explaining how you blew your redundancy package in Ibiza, and I genuinely wanted to stop, thinking, "Oh no, this is a complete horror story! I want to go back to the good times!"
But of course, I had to go on, and I feel like even if this was filled with one ridiculous catastrophe after another, this is basically just the tip of the iceberg. Did you really have to monopolize all the catastrophic events of life?
And Steve, poor Steve. The story of how he became a quadriplegic is a horror story on its own. Freak accident lasting a few minutes changed his entire life. And of course he wanted you to stay. Aside from the fact that you got on well, you also sort of enabled his gambling addiction (even gave him money!) I'm not blaming you, it was just what you did.
Fun little detail, I noticed how the number 3 was really significant in this story (3 hours after rehab you relapsed wtf?, 3 days with Steve you broke all the rules, also wtf?, and at 3 o'clock, Steve called you and, well whatever happened, happened.
Also, you're my friend but when you write a story filled with teasers of other stories, there will be a time for collection:
1. How cocaine worked for you as someone with ADHD
2. What cocaine did to your anxiety and panic disorders
3. What happened in Ibiza
4. The story of the non-English-speaking beautiful woman from Czechia
5. Being mugged twice
(Don't you dare take me seriously, I'm not pressuring you to write anything you don't want to share.)
And the most important thing I learned today: a gram = a tickle 🤭
Who do you think I am Puffin Publishers? 🤣🤣. The story has about 50 stories in it.
I called a gram a tickle - that’s not an actual name - but it was a very small amount - almost pointless at the time - but a proper gram is a lot - as in if you did a real proper g of cocaine in South America I probably wouldn’t even be able to do it all - coke in the UK had become progressively shitter in line with my increased consumption 🫠🤣
What stayed with me was not the relapse itself, but the moment you realized someone else had been pulled into the consequences of it. That is where the story changes weight. The final line is simple, but after everything that comes before it, it feels like a truth you could no longer outrun.
It’s like a car crash - it’s one article that has about 18 others it and each one is just another shameful moment of life and I even think myself that can’t be true 😂😂😂
The story keeps going downhill from the beginning. And then there are stories after stories. I am now wondering how did you give up this level of addiction! Hope you write that too.
Addiction tears lives apart. Addicts find ways to justify their behaviors. It’s inherent. What seems a miracle to me is that you found the moral imperative to walk away from Steve. Kudos for never losing sight of that. It’s unheard of with the many addicts I’ve known. Lived with.
Ironically, I went to school with a Steve who became a quadriplegic cliff jumping here in California.
Thank you. I am also interested in how you finally managed to put addiction behind you.
Sorry don’t know why I’m replying in instalments - that’s an unlikely coincidence isn’t it? Quite freaky really.
I will get to that one day I promise - I’m going to write your article for the kids next - early next week 🫶💕
I’m not freaked out by it
It’s quite unusual for us both to though, no? Same name? Quadriplegic? Same accident…
Highly unlikely.
🫶
Forty-five days, handshakes at the door, three hours. I had that same feeling leaving hospital, convinced the treatment had finished the job. Everyone involved treats the discharge as the end of the story, including the person walking out of it.
Mate it was so embarrassing- well they didn’t know did they. I was hi-5’s, hugs, speeches 🫠 I left the hospital to walk to the nearest station and about 5 mins over a little hump bridge was a pub - and that was it - I’d quit for 45 days. There was no change at all. But I also have a lot of issues with the treatment but that’s for another day. I made it past the pub - onto the train and to show how deluded and dishonest I still was I told myself that it would be a “treat” for 45 days sober 😭🫠 so I made the call and meet him straight off the train. About 3 hrs 8 mins I think
Thanks for sharing your experience. I imagine that must have been a heavy load to carry. 🪨
It wasn’t the greatest moment in life that’s for sure — thanks for reading
An honest look. An honest telling and an honest care regarding Steve and your decision. It shares something inside of you that is separate. People are not their addiction. And that is their gift they get to open when they become restored. Thank you for sharing this.
💕🫶
the section with Steve was hard to read, honestly. you built the whole plan around the belief that being responsible for someone else would finally be enough to stop you, and then had to face that it wasn’t --that's harsh! Telling him the truth and leaving before something worse happened didn’t undo it, but it was honest. and shows a lot about you as a person. thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly <3
Addiction is priority. And maybe other ex addicts would say otherwise but in my opinion you’re incapable of caring for others (and I don’t mean just in a sense like here for Steve) I mean when it comes down to what truly caring or loving another person is you’ll always put them at risk or compromise for the addiction. I don’t think I’m explaining it every well. One of the things I say is addiction is the worst affair of all - it’s with you 24/7/365 and it’s everywhere you go. I wish this situation with Steve was the only time I could say that things like this happened but it’s just one of many during those years. Thanks for reading
we think you’re explaining it really well. It’s not like the person that’s addicted cannot love or never loved/care for anyone in their lives. But once they’re addicted to something, that addiction takes over everything else and becomes the first (and perhaps only) priority. For someone that never been an addict or doesn’t know these complex stories firsthand (like a family member) it can be difficult to understand because it just sounds selfish. Like that joke about being homeless: just be home more, right? Funny but not that much if we look at the individual. we can also look at the reasons someone can become like that, is it because of their brain(that’s naturally predisposed to become an addict) or the way our society runs (not having a sense of belonging, community being overlooked for productivity, etc)? we think it’s possibly a mixture of both cases. But it’s not a math equation where you know the answer after solving it. It’s not black and white.
Well, so this is a controversial one but in the throes of addiction - addicts are incapable of love. That’s my honest opinion. That doesn’t mean addicts can’t love. In addiction I don’t how they can. And I challenge that by asking you or anyone to pick the words that love means to you.
Respect, Honesty, Truth, Boundaries, Compromise, Emotional Connection, Safety - whatever words someone associates with it. And addiction is the exact of it.
Disrespectful, Dishonest, Distrust, No Boundaries, No Compromise, Unable to emotionally connect, Unsafe-Risky.
I’ve been kicked out of a few meetings for this - but I don’t understand it - maybe I’m totally wrong - but I can say I was incapable of any healthy relationship or any form of love. And to this day I don’t see how an addict can say they love someone (not saying they don’t believe that) I’m saying when its put up to scrutiny.
totally get what you’re saying. that’s what we meant with the addiction taking over. it’s hard for us (personally) to believe that an addict can’t love, possibly is easier to believe that they can love but the addiction comes first. we respect your opinion and we can see a lot of truth in it.
Totally understand that. 95% of people will tell you addicts can love. There is also quite a body of research into the opposite. It’s an opinion that is highly unpopular as I’m sure you can imagine. But I don’t see how in addiction you can love. You’re even capable of having a healthy relationship. I’ve never been in love so I guess it’s easy for me to say. But I do know the addict mindset having been on both sides of it. Victim and addict. All my views on addiction are unpopular (hence you I don’t write much on it 🫠🥲😂)
Addiction is a bitch!!
Thank you for sharing a cascade of events with you in the centre, it is absolutely horrifying, from the deception during drug screening, cocaine consumption, to the confusing eye candy detour, followed by blowing your payout! How you survived and recovered from this I have no idea, maybe it's the inner cat with 9 lives that has kept you alive or GRIT.
Then there is Steve, someone who saw you for you and accepted you, despite your recklessness he enjoyed your company, that is huge! I am very aware of the care he would have needed. The guilt, and shame you describe while caring for him, the risk taking and placing him at risk in so many ways, one would say the best thing for him is for you to leave, its a shame he wasn't given a choice, i didn't read anything about cognitive impairment, therefore, assumed capacity to make his own decisions about this care needs. He chose quality of life, your friendship over safety, he knew about your struggles, perhaps he saw himself in you, he sounded like he liked you.
Not sure if this was intended but to me it read as the disgust with yourself, feeling so flawed and inadequate made you leave or run again, that's a dark road. Holding both worlds the pain and joy isn't something everyone can do, but you can.
I can't help myself...but here is a phrase which makes absolutely no sense when translated in English, but it is meaningful if you google it.
Jeden myslel, že si uprdne a posral se
Thankyou for reading 🙏
Honesty and confession are like digging bits of shrapnel out of oneself and letting blood flow cleanly.
💚💚💚
Thank you 🙏
This story is powerful. I highly relate to trying to run from our addictions. But, wherever I went, there I was.
I couldn't get and stay clean and sober till I did the exact opposite. I had to stay where I was and really look within me
As always, you write beautifully. The irony of a restless mind being able to focus so eloquently. I enjoy that you are able to convey the funny parts, because those are always there. There's always so much that comes to mind when I read your posts and trying not to make it about me. I can write my own post on whatever.
Addiction seems like such an animal and I have never experienced it. I have compassion and never felt judgement towards things people have done associated with it- or at least so far lol. I see the pattern of connecting and letting go as with Steve and I agree that was wise for his safety.
I'm wondering if you need to write more of the stories within in this before the harder chapter(s). Or maybe parts are just yours and not to share or only to a certain depth. 💕
The unwritten story isn’t really related to this directly but of course everything is indirectly linked in some way. Thanks for reading 🙏
🤣🤣🤣 Now you got me confused as to what a "gram" really is! How was I supposed to know there are different versions of gram in different drugging communities?! Lol. Also, how do you recognize a user as just a user and a user that's also a dealer? Asking for a friend.
Alex a gram of cocaine is a gram. I was at the stage of my addiction where I’d rather not say how many a day but that would have got me to about 9am. I called it a tickle because I generally wouldn’t have bothered buying anything less than a “Henry” (there you go that’s an actual thing you learn in the drug world 🤣) - so the name tickle is just something I called it not something other than that.
But for context a gram is a decent amount of cocaine if it’s actually high content. By 2010 the standard was pretty shit (maybe it’s better now - I doubt it) so if you got a g in South America for example it would probably blow your (my) brain.
I’ve not fact checked this but I bet the purity content when it even arrives in the UK is around 60%. So by the time it reaches people like me having been cut to shit along the way I reckon you’d be lucky for 35% and I mean lucky
9am?! But, I haven't even finished with tea yet at that time! Wth is a “Henry”??! I don't like that term, tickle is much cuter!🤭 35%? On a lucky day? (What's the rest of it made of?) Hhmmm, sounds like highway robbery to me. One more thing, don't they smuggle that sh*t in people's butts, though?
and eighth aka a Henry aka 3.5g
Henry VIII! He probably rolled over in his grave every time someone asked for a “Henry” from a dealer.
Hmmmm something tells me you don’t know the history of Henry VIII too well 🤣🤣🤣
🤣 And you would be right, as per usual. I only know he was a grade A a-hole.
I started reading and I was at the part where you were explaining how you blew your redundancy package in Ibiza, and I genuinely wanted to stop, thinking, "Oh no, this is a complete horror story! I want to go back to the good times!"
But of course, I had to go on, and I feel like even if this was filled with one ridiculous catastrophe after another, this is basically just the tip of the iceberg. Did you really have to monopolize all the catastrophic events of life?
And Steve, poor Steve. The story of how he became a quadriplegic is a horror story on its own. Freak accident lasting a few minutes changed his entire life. And of course he wanted you to stay. Aside from the fact that you got on well, you also sort of enabled his gambling addiction (even gave him money!) I'm not blaming you, it was just what you did.
Fun little detail, I noticed how the number 3 was really significant in this story (3 hours after rehab you relapsed wtf?, 3 days with Steve you broke all the rules, also wtf?, and at 3 o'clock, Steve called you and, well whatever happened, happened.
Also, you're my friend but when you write a story filled with teasers of other stories, there will be a time for collection:
1. How cocaine worked for you as someone with ADHD
2. What cocaine did to your anxiety and panic disorders
3. What happened in Ibiza
4. The story of the non-English-speaking beautiful woman from Czechia
5. Being mugged twice
(Don't you dare take me seriously, I'm not pressuring you to write anything you don't want to share.)
And the most important thing I learned today: a gram = a tickle 🤭
Who do you think I am Puffin Publishers? 🤣🤣. The story has about 50 stories in it.
I called a gram a tickle - that’s not an actual name - but it was a very small amount - almost pointless at the time - but a proper gram is a lot - as in if you did a real proper g of cocaine in South America I probably wouldn’t even be able to do it all - coke in the UK had become progressively shitter in line with my increased consumption 🫠🤣
I'm looking forward to reading this soon. ❤️
What stayed with me was not the relapse itself, but the moment you realized someone else had been pulled into the consequences of it. That is where the story changes weight. The final line is simple, but after everything that comes before it, it feels like a truth you could no longer outrun.
It’s like a car crash - it’s one article that has about 18 others it and each one is just another shameful moment of life and I even think myself that can’t be true 😂😂😂
It’s hilarious for all the wrong reasons and even if you tried to make something crazy up I bet the truth will be worse 😂😂 chaos follows chaos
The story keeps going downhill from the beginning. And then there are stories after stories. I am now wondering how did you give up this level of addiction! Hope you write that too.